If you see something on The FB that says “like and share this if” there is one socially acceptable option: don’t. Why? First of all, because you are clogging up everyone’s feed with unoriginal content. We all joined this social network so that we could keep up with how many cups of coffee you had or to find out whether or not your kid pooped today. We really don’t give a crap about the other stuff. Secondly, (secondly?…did I just type “secondly”?…I really need a thesaurus) if you have to tell your child you love them by sharing a post that says “if you have a daughter you love, share this” then you should probably spend more time with your kid and less on the computer.
Occasionally you will see a “share this if” post that you feel must be shared immediately. When you feel this urge, stop. Count to ten. Then open another browser page and type the content into The Googles and The Snopes. Most of the time you’ll discover that no, you don’t really swallow spiders in your sleep or that kid collecting birthday cards either never existed or passed away in 2009. Spiders don’t commit seppuku by taking a throat dive. And that trash bag full of used greeting cards you sent? You just brought back the painful memory of someone’s deceased son, you heartless bastard.
It is acceptable to share posts about missing children, elderly people and pets. Again, your search engine is your friend. Make sure that kid/grandparent really did disappear sometime this decade. And share the “help, my friend’s pet turducken ran away” posts on your neighborhood page. Your virtual friends in other states can’t help with this one.
I know. Now you are kicking yourself thinking “crap…I really like sharing those things; plus, my friends consider me kind of a news source.* I wonder what this chucklehead thinks it is okay to “share.” Glad you asked. It is okay to share things that are hilarious. Not cute. Not a little funny. Hilarious. That is all. For instance, it is acceptable to share anything related to Cheese is Funny, because it’s hilarious. Caveat: It is also acceptable to share blog posts about how you shouldn’t share stuff on FB, even if it’s not hilarious. Yeah. I know. Take that, Alanis.
Thanks for reading. Hopefully this series will make playing on the FaceBooks more enjoyable for everyone.
*We’ll tackle you being a news source in our upcoming chapter: You are not a News Source.